march 26th I got to send my favorite text of all time.
(blur = baby daddy!)

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This text went to a short list of close friends. The responses classic. How did this become my life. I was nothing more than a female Popsicle stick for an awkward moment… I hope that you can learn from my story!

Let me preface with I am down with fetishes. Honestly as long as it doesn’t get all Sid & Nancy I will try everything once. I may laugh & it might be awkward but sex is totally supposed to be fun!

I broke my cardinal rule & dated a hipster. On our 1st date, well into a bar tab my best guy friend walked in by chance, he was mortified with this skinny jean wearing, v-neck tshirt guy with perfect bed head. He pulled me aside for a what the fuck are you thinking talk by the juke box. I didn’t listen. Said best friend met my hipster a couple times & grew more convinced each time that he was a psychopath. I need to learn to take advice from friends!!!

We went out a few times, he was quite cute, seemed nice, had a sexy voice, sounded just like Christian Slater in Heathers (he was too young to have seen the movie Heathers!!! Lord…) he didn’t kiss me until our 3rd date or so, didn’t invite me over till we had known each other a while. Hey, that’s a rarity these days, taking it slow a gentleman does not make

Hipster didn’t keep sheets on his bed. Strange. Lots of taxidermy around the house, oof, he initiated, texting, talking, dates, sex… still no sheets on his bed, (oh so it wasn’t just laundry day?), he was in short fun & sweet, I was sure my friends reservations about this guy were totally off.

In my head it was a dark & stormy night because stuff like this does not happen on a cool spring evening! Aaaaand that just happened. He took MY finger & put it in his ass, decided it wasn’t in there far enough & that’s when I got awkward, I froze.

If you have a preference in bed, or want something specific, this should be discussed, bring it up in the moment, whatever. I would have given it a whirl, AFTER I verified what I should do once I was there. Problem, I had never encountered this in bed. I did not know what to do so I froze. Is it an in & out, a hold still, twist, somewhere in particular to put pressure, I didn’t know what to do so I froze, hung out for a second then awkwardly switched positions so I was on top (then washed my hands thoroughly!!!) I was like a ventriloquist with a non talking dummy getting booed off the stage. The goodbye the next morning was strained to say the least, guess I didn’t hide my awkward as well as I thought I had!!!

Sitting in my car in front of my house that morning I sent that jewel of a text hung over & still feeling off my game, when did sex become this strange? When did relationships become this strange? I googled what to do in case that comes up again (for you that don’t know either, men’s health says 2nd knuckle deep, make a come hither motion with your finger) my friends made me laugh with their responses & my 2 black cats jumped on the hood of the car to give me judgmental looks through the windshield till I staggered inside.

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(Abner… Actual photo from that morning!)

Ya, I googled what to do once your finger finds itself in a guys ass because if I liked him & that is his thing, I had to decide if I was into it… Pointless google search, we just stopped talking. It was mutual, no discussion on that either. He didn’t call or text, I didn’t call or text…. he turned out to be every part the true psychopath my friends thought he was, started to scare me a little even but that’s not the funny part of the story so I won’t go there!

Life lessons? All slightly amusing.
I don’t really like guys in skinny jeans unless they are really skinny guys, lets be honest here, a shit ton of hipsters should not be wearing skinny jeans, I am just not a huge hipster fan really I guess.
I don’t need a guy with a bed skirt & a fuckin duvet, but at least throw down a blanket, we aren’t animals.
I now ask about preferences before sex, I honestly want to know what your into! I may need to get instruction, but I’m all about getting it right rather than getting it awkward!
If your taxidermy mountain lion is staring at me while we are making out I am going to suggest another room!
And honestly if your friends who so dearly want you to be happy tell you to flee before you end up buried in a scene kids backyard, that is advice I am going to take! I am pretty certain that his psycho ruined something that seemed great a couple months later… Maybe I need a second blog to write bummer stories like the kind that start in coffee shops & end in photo booths. Probably not but it’s a thought, I try not to think about the ones that aren’t amusing though.

Worst dating experience EVER, but one I will laugh about for a loooong time!!!


 

I love getting carded. It makes me wonder if I am having a great hairday & look amazingly young or if I look like a 20 year old that has lived a rough life. Either way, someone is telling me at that moment, in the low dingy light that I might not be hanging out there in my mid 30′s (i chose to ignore that because they work in the service industry, likely high as a kite). Oh ya, this is important to know a little further in this story, if you get carded on a date & the server or bartender raises an eyebrow, chuckles, or under his breath says ‘hell ya bra’ to your date… you maybe should not be in the situation in the first place! Hey, I have the memo now! 
 
For a while I was on a string of guys who fell into most of the following categories: bartender/waiter, traumatic brain injury/surgery, band member, skateboarder, under the age of 26. I actually got mad one night & demanded from one guy to know if there was some secret underground game where guys are scoring points for dating older chicks. True story. He laughed & denied it, I am not convinced, I better be worth a shitton of points!
 
K was the drummer in a band, had had some form of brain surgery, sure he was like 8 yrs old, but it still counts, he was a waiter & most importantly he was only 21. This guy was f’in persistent. He asked me out nonstop for months. I finally gave in. He is pretty, I own being weak, but he really was way to attractive (but strange) to expect my defenses could hold out. 
 
All was fine, we went out a few times, totally innocent until the night the waiter laughed. It was cute that I always got carded with K, till the waiter holding our ID’s side by side, smiled at my date & there was an ‘oh hell ya’ thing exchanged. Awkward.
 
Driving home I brought up the age gap, asked if maybe he had mommy issues. Nope, K’s mom is awesome. She got pregnant when she was 14 & had his older sister. She was an awesome single mom until she remarried when he was like 6 & now is a successful lady. He respects her strength, they get along. Oh well, how much older than you is your sister I asked. 2 years. Change subject back to why I should stop with the age stuff, he really likes me, blah, blah… Skip to making out in the kitchen, I am on a countertop, then we are on a couch, he is beautiful, persistent & a great kisser until my HS algebra teacher is suddenly in my head reminding me that I will need to be able to solve for x someday. In all my years since, this was the first time I actually used it, thank god I passed that class! 
Making out, (your 14 years younger than me) kissing my neck, (your mom was maybe 15 when she had your sister), pretty sure this is 3rd base, (your sister is 2 yrs older than you) is there a 4th base, ummm ya, pretty sure you just made up 4th base there….
 
X = YOUR MOM IS AT MOST 3 YEARS OLDER THAN ME (my mind won’t let me admit it’s possibly just 2)
 
Put your pants back on & go home K. 
 
I got the blue balls don’t make me go thing, but his piercing blue eyes had no control over me at that point because i couldn’t even look at him. I also did not walk him to his truck honestly because I now fear Chris Hansen may jump out of my bushes at any moment with camera blazing! 21. Ish. It didn’t feel wrong till I found out I was in HS at the same time his mom was. We probably listen to the same music. I don’t know. I was in his house, I saw a picture of her, I would have never guessed we were close in age. I get hit on mostly by guys that are way too young, do I look young or are guys just really into that older lady thing?
 
On mothers day my 4 year old & I had a great conversation, went kinda like this:
Mom, your pretty.
Me: aww thanks babe
Your prettier & cooler than other moms, you have pretty eyes
Me: really? That’s so nice
I love your hair
Me: ummm thanks sweetie
You wear too many polka dots & girl shoes. You can’t run in girl shoes, my shoes are very fast…
Me: thanks for the fashion advice, hopefully I don’t need to run from anyone anytime soon.
 
What did I gain besides the obvious stop dating guys in bands? (ya stop judging & pretend along with me that the band thing is the obvious!) algebra teachers should use examples like this as to why we should know how to solve for x. This is real life, 2 trains going opposite directions? I can just look on line to find out when they will arrive, there is a schedule for that. Pretty & persistent should not be a swaying factor in accepting a date, just because I don’t seem to fit in with the moms my age does not mean its okay to date their sons & my own little monster, right now at least, thinks I am the prettiest girl in the world, he is my favorite fan club member. 
 
K was a little flaky anyway. I am not going to lie & say I stuck to some high moral ground by not going out with him again, but I did finally realize I was not going to get past the age thing, 21? He was a really great guy, 21 I could actually handle, (stop judging!!!) I could not date him because of how old his mom was. There was just too much reality there, if my son brought home a girl my age rather than his, I would kick that bitches ass! 

Side note: I think they should redraw the baseball diamond with a 4th base… Way better than 3rd! ;) 

I am going to play one, two, skip a few here & jump around. Some of my adventures in dating just aren’t funny until months later… I can now look back at mr moved to Cali & find the situation mildly funny. Mostly because he went from being normal, this sweet guy with his whole life to do great things into an insane freak who if I met now I wouldnt ever date! I’m talking zombies… Living outta a duffel bag with no refrigerator, going goth at 30. Who does that? Ya, my ex boyfriend (yea me!) 

so I’m going to go back to strange OCD germaphobe guy. He had some serious anger issues & tattoos on his knuckles. A couple months of spending way too much time together & I can not for the life of me tell you what his hands say! I don’t think that is a good sign at all for the potential of any sort of future. I can deal with your basic OCD if that’s the only issue, I am a fan of being clean, my car tends to be untidy at times, so he always drove, it was like having a chauffeur! So sweet! He was a dick but a sweet romantic one. He had aspirations of doing mixing or production on music, i like creative guys! He was obsessed with dubstep, fail. I had to endure crappy mixes with a smile, ‘oh ya babe that one sounds completely different than the last 20 minute song you played!!! Amazing!!!! What do your knuckles say again when you put them together?’ smile, bat eyelashes! I could put up with most his random weirdness because deep down, I really liked this guy, but one night I set my iPad on his bed. On the foot of the bed. Ontop of the comforter. He was laying on the bed with his shoes on, maybe slightly over the edge, maybe i am remembering it wrong, who knows, but he lost it. My iPad 2, which at the time was a new treasured toy was unbeknown to me completely coated with germs. More germs than you sir? Than the seat of your pants? I wasn’t even going to explain that I carried alcohol wipes & cleaned my toy daily, it’s new, I don’t like a smudgy iPad, he was beyond crazy about it. Then he started being paranoid I was cheating, or trying to set him up to catch him cheating. I chickened out & left a note in his mailbox detailing how great of a guy he was but that it just wasn’t going to work out… The truth is, if he could have loved me ever, I would have let him. This started a series of guys I broke it off with because as much as they wanted me to make them happy, I didn’t, I wont sit by & watch  someone become less of who they are each day knowing there has to be someone out there they can let in. It really isn’t you, it’s me not being enough.  2 days later some girl started emailing me all this crazy shit about him, that she was his girlfriend, weird since we were always together & when we weren’t he was texting me over & over. I dodged a shitstorm of crazy there! He told me that all his ex’s were psycho crazy cheaters… Which led to a theme of guys who say every ex cheated on them, I will not even go into that now, but, crazy people should stick together.
I think about this angry guy a lot for some reason, which is most likely why he gets another post here… Why are the potentially great ones completely broken by the time I meet them? Why did he look at me with such adoration and yet hatred all at the same time and why do we miss the almosts? I think that if he could have taken a breath, if he could have let go of his past, well maybe he would have the moon. I was not the girl for him, I never made his smile reach his eyes.
 I learned from him that trying to force a relationship, which was what he was doing, is just not worth the fear that comes with it. It’s like balancing on one foot, eventually its too exhausting, you are either going to let the other foot drop or fall down. I wasn’t ready to fall down over someone whos hands weren’t worth paying enough attention to in order to remember from day to day what wisdom they were attempting to share with the general masses!

I stopped writing on here… All of this crazy personal stuff happens & I had this fear that people would find a story about them, it would hurt their feelings.

Ummm it occurred to me as I recapped the past couple of months dating to an old friend, if these boys who act like morons, who do the most ridiculous things, do not want me to share the absolutely asinine actions, well then I guess they shouldn’t do it!

Seriously. I don’t use names. I try to only tell the funny stories, not the sad ones. I admit to my dumb stuff along with theirs…

Oh & suck it! I am going to blog the shit out of you crazy stalker boy, sad use the word irony out of context at least 20 times an hour guy, steal food off my plate dude, ironic hipster tattoo guy,  OCD germiphobe… Why? Because I learned something important from each of you. If you find your story here, it’s not to hurt your feelings, it’s because you impacted my life enough to have taught me something, oh & because bad decisions make great stories, hey there don’t put sheets on your bed guy, you are fucking hilarious! Own it! 



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So back to communication…. It is the theme of my life right now! I always feel like I am doing it wrong. Contact too much & your clingy, too little & your uninterested…
Contact is important & communication is contact. I truly believe that most people crave contact, that is why we spend so much time & energy on devices to make staying in communication faster & easier, to have someone in your life for the physical contact, hugs, holding hands… kids, they cant help but be all up in your business, they crave that contact, its how we learn, it is how we connect, sometimes all it takes is someone taking your hand & you just feel this calm come over you, contact. (ya, ya, puppies n rainbows… sex is contact to!!)

No matter how easier we try to make it to connect, to communicate, it is still painfully obvious that everyone does it differently. I am an over contact-er with anxiety of rejection!!! (LOL!) This means that I have the urge to reach out, to say hi, to make someone smile nearly every day. Not mush, not oh I love you… just hey nerd hope you’re having a good day kinda stuff. Eh, if you have been here before & read anything my whole people feeling invisible thing (puppies, rainbows), however, if I put myself out there & nothing ever comes back, my anxiety of coming across clingy or desperate when I am far from either comes out & then I stop which then come across as uninterested and know what, none of it is true… perception will take over & the end of the world comes with a bang. Uggggg. Why is this so hard!

Its not but it is really difficult not to get caught up in your own perception of a situation. I do it all the time. My mind just goes all over the place, but I work in risk management/insurance, so my mind tends to always go to the worst case scenario place automatically, why I am awesome at my job, why sometimes I suck at people stuff! So I know this, it should be a simple enough fix, buuuut, it is not, I overthink thinks, what I have learned knowing this about myself is that its ok to assume the worst sometimes. You can sit around & worry over it as long as you know what a waste of time it is, you have to be able to own how stupid you are being, but here is the important part, you never, ever act on those self-induced stupid ideas. Just because the thought of someone doing something hurtful crosses your mind, does not mean that you have the right to be psycho & call them out on it. Example:

7PM Text: Hi sweetness, what are you doing?
Crickets….
7:45PM Text: Um hey there, you busy? Whats up?
Crickets….
8PM: Text: Hello? You aren’t going to talk to me?
Crickets….
8:05PM Text: you fucking asshole, I hate your face! Whats her name? I know you are with some other girl, I never want to talk to you again you sluthole whore bag!
Crickets….
8:10PM Text: I am going to kill you & her! You were always a crappy person, I took out a billboard with your face on it that says cheater cheater horrible mean person, they are putting up the graphics right now as we speak & I have a 10 ft bonfire on my porch going right now where I am throwing your favorite tshirt & every picture that has you evil face in it, even the ones where I look really awesome! I just posted every dirty picture you ever sent on your moms facebook wall. Ahhhhhhh!
Crickets….
8:15PM Finally a return text: Hello? What? I fell asleep… my mom has been blowing up my phone & leaving messages. You did what? Oh my god….
8:16PM Text: Oh, you were asleep? Just kidding, I wuvvvvv you. Will text you back when the Firemen finally get the fire on the front of my house put out! Kisses smooshy bear!

See how that works…. You go all worse case scenarios & ruin things (and possibly get hurt & or arrested in the meantime!) That was not a true example, I am not that extreme, I have never burnt anyones stuff or caught my own house on fire! I have however thought, this guy isn’t interested, I am going to back off, i am going to go out on a date to get my mind off it. Did the guy say he wasn’t interested? No, in fact he said just the opposite, over & over again, but because I haven’t heard from him for a couple days, my mind goes where it goes. I go into self-protection mode. I get scared that I am not enough & I project that fear onto whoever like a bad 80’s movie (or a good one with lots of teen angst & John Cusack! Yum) Everyone has different self-protection modes. Some people self-protect by staying aloof until they know they can trust you. Those two self-protection modes clash like a motherfucker but I do know that if you can get to a point where the invisible laser shield of doom doesn’t have to be there, when you could conceivably drop by unannounced without it being weird or just know how the other person thinks, once there is a comfort level & the fear is gone, well then these differences just are no longer important.

I have the luxury & the burden of guy friends. I sit & listen to them lament the pathetic-ness of a girl who is chasing them around, who they are trying to blow off, when they don’t return her calls, emails, texts & she doesn’t get it. I hear the stories, everyone shakes their heads about how sad this girl is… I AM SCARED OF BEING THAT GIRL. I actually can handle typical rejection, but secret rejection, the mocking stories to your friends, that is a huge fear of mine, I am scared of being the object of extreme pity. Stupid but eh, we all have our brand of crazy! I have my 3 favorite brands of crazy, a couple of off brands & possibly a couple of brands that I can’t really afford all bopping around in here. The great thing about my journey of figuring this all out is that I am aware of most of them. I own my insecurities but I fight to not let them own me!

A few days ago as I mentioned before, I got a call from my past, from Cali. I have fought so hard not to communicate with him for a long time. There are some connections that can make you so happy & incredibly sad all at once. There are some truths that I think I got from finally talking to him from a place that wasn’t painful (but a lot of it came in that 4 hours later window!) I know you can meet someone right at the wrong time. You can love someone in a very true way & yet let them go forever because they need to grow as a person. Love doesn’t concur all, it’s selfish to let someone love you if you know it is not in their best interest. He was home. He did something everyday to make me smile. He made me a better person. I know all the reasons he left, what’s sad is that they were all reasons outside our relationship, but those reasons are mainly his private story. what is our story is that through it all, through my hissy fits, I have told him I hate him, I have told him I don’t love him, I have said I don’t want to be his friend, I blogged about him getting hit by a bus (not dying cause that’s just wrong, but pain, lots of pain) he has stuck to telling me that he cares. Damnit I hate being the immature one! We talked like friends. He asked about who I was seeing & then asked if it was the foreign guy on my flickr… (ummm not a foreign guy, it was a funny typo in the caption!) Asked about my work trips & then mentioned that he had seen I went to the race school because one of my FB albums was public. Ya it suddenly occurred to me later that he still checks in on what I am doing! He offered to come back to help me with some house projects & I declined. I have been in Cali numerous times since he moved & yet I have never called him. I actually don’t think that we should ever see each other again but the sound of his voice was still home to me. maybe that is why.
I don’t want him to be home anymore, I want him to let me go & find his own happiness!!!

I miss this guy who possibly taught me more about being happy in love than any other, it would be easy to want that back, but while I was talking to him, missing him I realized that I missed the possibility that is out on the table, who I had seen less than a week earlier, more. That surprised the crap out of me! It was an easy choice & I made it with a smile. So friends. I can swing that though I wish I could figure out why all my ex boyfriends are so persistent about the friend crap! :) I guess that great love & friendship go hand in hand, sure wish I had a best friend to hold hands with right now though….


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Communication….
it’s like the Easter Bunny or unchippable fingernail polish, it does not really exist. Plato couldn’t even define truth after all the time he spent listening to Socrates drone on about reality & caves; so how the hell am I supposed to be able to figure this shit out???
***Oh & if your here for a favorite animal conversation that title was misleading, not even planning to talk about it (but it might be the aye aye pictured above)*** random!!!
I have had the some of the most bizarre conversations with boys lately. I walk away or get off the phone all smiles then about exactly & randomly 4 hours later something will pop out like fuckin Where’s Waldo!!! It’s so smooth that I don’t even think I can replicate it really, but here is my best try:
What Boy says: your so pretty & smart (I went on a date with this other girl) I think that you are special, amazing really (it was just dinner & I don’t know if I like her or anything) I like spending time with you (I told her about you) maybe this will turn into something great someday (I would tell you if I kissed her, it’s no big deal) we should hang out soon (but only if I’m not already going on another date) I like that your really nice….
The magic is what I heard: your pretty & special, I hope that this is going somewhere….
Laying in bed, nearly asleep, that is when my brain registered all the words!!! What? Why did you need to tell me you went on a date? Guys are like word ninjas!!! I heard it, but I didn’t listen because I was busy listening to the pretty words it was camouflaged in! Ah the reality of communication.
Here’s a tip for guys. There are some truths that as girls we know, deep down we are well aware but dont need to hear the words. If your dating a smart girl & you are not in that place of a mutually exclusive relationship, we don’t need to know every time you talk to another girl. You have sex, ya, disclosure is good, but if you are just out looking for something better before settling on my hot body (haha!) i don’t need to actually hear the words, because when you do finally settle it might just feel a little more like:
‘eh, nothin better came along so what the hell, wanna go steady?’ woot woot!
So I was sitting there in bed feeling kinda jealous & then I started laughing. I am a little tired & stressed in my defense, I realized I was jealous not of some other chick, but of the time that she got!!! I wanted that time damnit (kick wall, pout, mine….) LOL!
I am taking this whole dating thing for face value right now. I am not looking for any deep feelings that aren’t there, no signs, not trying to change anyone, I won’t make excuses for inadequacies. Maybe neither Plato or I can define Truth but I am doing my best to at least figure out how to spot the bullshit :) eh… Not my greatest skill being all trusting & gullible!
So this communication word ninja boy stuff made me start to think of some of the other conversations of recent that make the boy/girl, Venus/Mars, jackass/girl differences so apparent. I will pick on someone else though ;) ah Mayberry. I don’t want to put too much of this unknown, undefined stuff up. I like to pretend puppies & rainbows, if I have to write it I have to try to figure it out… That doesn’t sound fun! Ignorance is bliss for now, I think I will try to tell him politely not to pull the Jedi word tricks out anymore! Tricky Mayberry!!!
So let’s do a little wiggle time warp back to a dark place where I have said goodbye, the end, a couple times & yet in the pet cemetery of my dating life, this one keeps coming back!!!! (maybe I should start calling him Gage! Ah, Achilles tendon…. Oh that’s too freaky!!!) anywho, I thought I was getting a client call, but no, Cali got a new phone number & I suddenly find myself frozen without anything to say to this voice coming out of my phone about wanting to be friends, that we had something amazing & I don’t have to be cold, cutting him off. I am torn because he is right, I don’t have to cut him off. Here is this guy who I loved so grandly, no one else has ever made me feel so loved, he had to walk away for his own reasons, his own life, can you be mad about that? I let him go so what is the harm of being his friend, I will never understand why this is so important to him, I cannot convince him that we don’t need to be in contact.
So we are friends…. I think I will to be continued the slightly hilarious 2 plus hour phone call that came from that decision… The questions that it raised, the revelations & the odd sense of peace that I found from that decision for tomorrow.
I do want to apologize (I am a selfish bitch really) to the amazingly kind (& always funnier than me which is kinda irritating) bloggers that have nominated me (I am sure just to mock me) or given me (because I paid them) a number of awards that I have not followed through on (because I am obviously way to busy screwing up my own psyche) I promise that I will find a way to (pull my head outta my ass) follow through & give the proper thanks (where I will have to direct others back to the funnier kids & then to new funnier kids… Sigh)
That didn’t really work did it? I gotta work on my word ninja skills… Maybe I will ask Mayberry to help me out here :) XOXO!


This might offend some people as it is about sex, just sayin!!!

I have been thinking about sex a lot lately. I so want to post that on FB every time I log in & it asks me ‘what’s on your mind?’. What do you think FB? What’s on most peoples mind… if everyone was honest your feed would look like this:
Sex
Sex
Dirty sex
Just had sex
Fml boo hoo (***go on anti-depressants already your posts make the cure seem cheerful!)
Sex
Wish I was having sex
Made macaroni for dinner!
****that from your friend who has never had an orgasm & is not thinking about sex

Ya, pretty much we keep that to ourselves because we accepted our moms as friends & if they ever figure out how to log in again, oof, we want her to stay oblivious to whats on our minds. (which in my opinion is typically sex!)

I personally am a huge fan, but it seems to complicate things a bit. Everyone views sex differently. Personally, I am kinda picky. I would never sleep with someone I didn’t actually want to date, I don’t date people I don’t think have potential to be something…. I don’t know what that something is, just something.

Guys fit into 2 categories I think, 2 apparent categories, there is the relationship sex guy & the lots of random sex guy. Relationship guy, he isn’t thinking ‘holy cow, I am having sex! YEAAAAAA! Bam!’ He is okay with foreplay, sex is fun, takes time, gets drawn out, it can be sweet but still adventurous, maybe even happens more than once a night, & he is okay with cuddling. Random sex guy though, has sex like he isn’t sure if you’ll be back, less about foreplay & while it isn’t lightning fast, you get the impression he usually kicks girls out afterwards, not so snugly, sees sharing his blanket as the cost of sex.
Random sex guy can like you, he can turn into a relationship & sex will change slowly, like Pavlov’s dogs, he will start to see he can have it again & chill the hell out so all is not lost on random sex guy, but it’s just different, most apparent in the beginning.

I don’t think I personally like random hookups. I like the comfort of being able to laugh in bed. Some of my funniest moments have been while naked & twisted up like a pretzel… I still laugh with a guy over an ice cube in high school, I was told that giving a blowjob with a piece of ice in your mouth was supposed to make you the most awesome super girlfriend in the world, (I am pretty sure he told me that then went directly past his mom to the ice maker!) it must have been great because he thought he would return the favor & but he was confused obviously about the rules & put a piece of ice INSIDE my body, the difference in temperature was more pain than I could handle, the PTSD has helped to block the memory but I recall kicking him (hard, like ninja hard) & basically flying to my feet to then nakedly jump up & down trying to dislodge or melt said piece of Satan ice!!! It was horrible! He freezer burned my vagina, it was funny then & I still laugh about it now! Same guy & I were also checking out the stars (fucking) on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere in my convertible, I was on top when the cop rolled up, there was no time to put on pants luckily there was a blanket we threw over our legs & tried to play it off. The cop walked up & said, ‘flashing lights kinda ruin the moment don’t they?’ favorite cop ever!!!! Once I tried the whip cream bikini, I sauntered into the room all sexy like, covered in canned whip cream, while standing there being adored it started melting, two triangles of goop sliding down my stomach leaving a smeary trail, giving up on that, fun was still had, with lots of laughing, fell asleep & woke up to the smell of rancid whip cream, it should have been a fail but we will always remember having great sex & laughing! I have had lots of those moments. I associate great sex with fun. The comfort of being able to be adventurous, to talk about it, hold hands & fall asleep exhausted (sore) and happy… Who doesn’t want that.

*** (Once I had really horrid awful really really bad sex too, like really awful (small, tiny, oh god make it stop!!! awful sex!) but the same mind block that hit me with the ice will not allow me to recall too much of that ill fated weekend) ish!***

I was told tonight by someone that you can have sex with someone you don’t really like, so I have been mulling that one around in my head & what I know about myself is that I can’t. It’s a nice thought, there are plenty of guys in my life trying… I am sure they would be awesome, but I don’t want that. I don’t confuse sex with love, but I won’t get all dirty with someone that I couldn’t imagine loving someday, & I like to be a little (alot) dirty :) I am bummed by this friends revelation, I am not going to lie. Not even for jealousy reasons, much more ridiculous reasons that I won’t own up to right now!

For now I am still on the wait & see path. I am not in a hurry to make someone in my head more important than they really are. Maybe you can have sex with someone you don’t really like, but I don’t want that someone to be me. I am worth more than that for sure! (even if I can’t stand on my head for long periods of time without falling down, I can do lots of other cool tricks!!!) I want someone to want all of me. Is he worth waiting to see? I really don’t know, a week ago I would have said yes without hesitation….

We should all delete our parents off Facebook or at least send them directly to therapy so we can say what’s on our fucking minds!! So hey mom, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about the reverse cowboy & this wevibe toy I saw that looks crazy fun (my birthday is coming up you know, hint, hint!) I am also going to test out tub whip cream to see if it is less melty than the canned shit, you always keep up with the sales so let me know where I should buy it! Glad you finally figured out how to navigate to my Facebook wall on your 3d evo, made sense to buy that now didn’t it!! Now if you could figure out how to text… Love ya, tell dad I said hey & I need oil in my car!!

***no parents were harmed in the writing of this blog as my mom actually asked me what a blog was the other day & said she can’t get on facebook at home because she doesn’t have that program on her computer (there isn’t a FB button???)***

Posted: January 31, 2012 in Sarcasm
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