march 26th I got to send my favorite text of all time.
(blur = baby daddy!)
This text went to a short list of close friends. The responses classic. How did this become my life. I was nothing more than a female Popsicle stick for an awkward moment… I hope that you can learn from my story!
Let me preface with I am down with fetishes. Honestly as long as it doesn’t get all Sid & Nancy I will try everything once. I may laugh & it might be awkward but sex is totally supposed to be fun!
I broke my cardinal rule & dated a hipster. On our 1st date, well into a bar tab my best guy friend walked in by chance, he was mortified with this skinny jean wearing, v-neck tshirt guy with perfect bed head. He pulled me aside for a what the fuck are you thinking talk by the juke box. I didn’t listen. Said best friend met my hipster a couple times & grew more convinced each time that he was a psychopath. I need to learn to take advice from friends!!!
We went out a few times, he was quite cute, seemed nice, had a sexy voice, sounded just like Christian Slater in Heathers (he was too young to have seen the movie Heathers!!! Lord…) he didn’t kiss me until our 3rd date or so, didn’t invite me over till we had known each other a while. Hey, that’s a rarity these days, taking it slow a gentleman does not make
Hipster didn’t keep sheets on his bed. Strange. Lots of taxidermy around the house, oof, he initiated, texting, talking, dates, sex… still no sheets on his bed, (oh so it wasn’t just laundry day?), he was in short fun & sweet, I was sure my friends reservations about this guy were totally off.
In my head it was a dark & stormy night because stuff like this does not happen on a cool spring evening! Aaaaand that just happened. He took MY finger & put it in his ass, decided it wasn’t in there far enough & that’s when I got awkward, I froze.
If you have a preference in bed, or want something specific, this should be discussed, bring it up in the moment, whatever. I would have given it a whirl, AFTER I verified what I should do once I was there. Problem, I had never encountered this in bed. I did not know what to do so I froze. Is it an in & out, a hold still, twist, somewhere in particular to put pressure, I didn’t know what to do so I froze, hung out for a second then awkwardly switched positions so I was on top (then washed my hands thoroughly!!!) I was like a ventriloquist with a non talking dummy getting booed off the stage. The goodbye the next morning was strained to say the least, guess I didn’t hide my awkward as well as I thought I had!!!
Sitting in my car in front of my house that morning I sent that jewel of a text hung over & still feeling off my game, when did sex become this strange? When did relationships become this strange? I googled what to do in case that comes up again (for you that don’t know either, men’s health says 2nd knuckle deep, make a come hither motion with your finger) my friends made me laugh with their responses & my 2 black cats jumped on the hood of the car to give me judgmental looks through the windshield till I staggered inside.
Ya, I googled what to do once your finger finds itself in a guys ass because if I liked him & that is his thing, I had to decide if I was into it… Pointless google search, we just stopped talking. It was mutual, no discussion on that either. He didn’t call or text, I didn’t call or text…. he turned out to be every part the true psychopath my friends thought he was, started to scare me a little even but that’s not the funny part of the story so I won’t go there!
Life lessons? All slightly amusing.
I don’t really like guys in skinny jeans unless they are really skinny guys, lets be honest here, a shit ton of hipsters should not be wearing skinny jeans, I am just not a huge hipster fan really I guess.
I don’t need a guy with a bed skirt & a fuckin duvet, but at least throw down a blanket, we aren’t animals.
I now ask about preferences before sex, I honestly want to know what your into! I may need to get instruction, but I’m all about getting it right rather than getting it awkward!
If your taxidermy mountain lion is staring at me while we are making out I am going to suggest another room!
And honestly if your friends who so dearly want you to be happy tell you to flee before you end up buried in a scene kids backyard, that is advice I am going to take! I am pretty certain that his psycho ruined something that seemed great a couple months later… Maybe I need a second blog to write bummer stories like the kind that start in coffee shops & end in photo booths. Probably not but it’s a thought, I try not to think about the ones that aren’t amusing though.
Worst dating experience EVER, but one I will laugh about for a loooong time!!!